Will you be my friend? Circle YES or NO

So I was watching Housewives of Atlanta this past Sunday and something struck me as awesome that everyone else seemed to think was ridiculously insane in the show! You see there were two friends that got into a little argument that really wasn’t a big deal. So one women decided she was going to make up with her friend and present her with a “Friendship Contract”….you know, like us girls used to do in middle school! It was pretty basic stating:

Will you be my friend? Circle YES or NO

(Then some rules regarding what, as a friend, they will do. Never go to bed mad at each other, always have each others back, etc.)

Awesome right? I thought so. But it seemed that this innocent gesture was taken as “stalkerish & crazy”! Why??? It was obvious she was just trying to find a simple way to make up with her friend and make her laugh since we as adults usually try to make things extra complicated.

Well, that got me thinking….

Sometimes I feel like I am physically and emotionally inept to have a connection with anyone in this world. I mean I have a great relationship with my husband and I understand unconditional love because of my children….but that’s as far as it goes.

I want a great friend in my life.! You know the kind that you can talk to unfiltered and with all guards down, the kind of friend that drops everything when you need to talk or randomly shows up to your house with your favorite coffee just to ask “How are you today?”, who tells you what you need to hear not just bullshit you. The “Gayle” to my “Oprah” if you will…..(great Barbara Walters interview BTW)

I find myself talking with people everyday almost trying to find something I like in them but everything they say seems so fake and the feeling of comfort just isn’t there. You go through the predictable ”How are you?” and “How many kids do you have?” But are there any people out there that have something to really talk about? Like how do you REALLY feel? Do you have any REAL opinions? Are you scared of going against what everyone else is doing to have an independent stance on different views? Or are you usually that fake and predictable in your answers?                                                         

                                    

I WANT A REAL CONVERSATION…A REAL CONNECTION…SOME REALNESS IN MY LIFE. Not all of this “on the surface” bull people feed you everyday.

Is that too much to ask, I wonder….will I ever find this in a person other than my husband? Or are those kind of friends only in middle and high school? Can we ever have those kinds of friends again? I say this as I’m typing away to blogland because I have no real friends to talk to….

Shut up, so I can hear myself think

Sometimes I just have to tell my own self, “Shut the hell up!”. Seriously, I get an idea about a new business venture, I paint a new picture, or even just talking in a normal conversation with other adults and here comes this voice in my head….”Psst, Hey Alana, what makes you think you are so different then everyone else?”, “There’s no way you will ever be successful with any of those ideas.” Or my personal fave… “Who really cares about YOUR opinion?” And before I can help it, I’ve talked myself out of my idea, put my paintings away before someone sees them or I’ve completely shut down in a conversation and just listened with no opinion. I wonder….“Does everyone struggle with this sense of self doubt?” or “Is the voice in their head even as loud as mine?”

These are the things I hear constantly and have to give myself pep talks to stay focused. It’s exhausting…but necessary!

Because there’s one thing I do know……. I will be successful at something if it kills me damn it! I’m consumed with being successful, always thinking of ideas, always planning it out…getting excited for a couple days and then….. like a vicious twisted game I play on myself, I beat my ideas down so bad that I don’t know what I ever saw in them in the first place? Is it that I’m a Gemini, the minute I think I’ve got the greatest idea in the universe is the same minute I think it sucks!

Which leads me to researching about successful people all the time, (figure they know something I don’t and I could learn where it is that I always go wrong). So I come across Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, discussing a different point of view of “successful” people and how they get to where they are. To my confusion, I read that of course talent plays a role in success, however, they’re are a lot of other factors….. such as your cultural background and upbringing, the time period you were born, timing (luck), and even merely where you were born.

Wait a second…..you mean, I can have all the talent in the world but if all of the other factors are against me then forget about it? Damn it, i thought I was gonna be able to follow some sort of formula and get myself out of this funk I’m in of self doubt! Well then, I’ve got to look at this differently now….hold on, so maybe it’s because of my background and upbringing that I look at success as intangible to me??? AND….. since I seem to always fail at the things I know I’m good at, maybe I shouldn’t take it so personal, maybe it’s just bad timing???

Well, if Gladwell’s views are true, it makes me wonder how much control we actually have over our own lives? Does it even matter how talented and persistent you are? Or….. how you were shaped and molded through your upbringing, coupled with timing and throw in a little lady luck is what REALLY controls how successful we will be?

 

 

Am I fighting a losing battle?…..